Friday, 16 May 2014

The Depression Diary.

I can't guarantee this post will stay up. I'll probably freak out and revert it to a draft.

This post has been in the making for a good few months. Its incredibly hard for me to write, so I hope it hits home with a few of you, and makes it all worth it.

I was diagnosed with Anxiety at 18, and depression at 19.
I do feel as though I was 'born' with it, (which is quite a big debate) purely because I don't really remember a time when I was "normal."
I've been made sure to know that I'm different, that I don't quite fit in.
I had a pretty hard childhood, there's a lot of aspects that i'll never tell a soul, a lot of family issues and some really deep rooted issues.
but of course as with any troubled child there was the extensive bullying - rocks thrown at my face, tripped over, my nose fractured, pushed into roads.
But nothing cut deeper that the words.

For eleven years I was told how ugly I was, and I honestly would want nothing more in the world than to be beautiful. & yes, everyone is beautiful, but I'm sure you guys know what I mean, to turn heads and for people to note how pretty I would be. It is incredibly shallow, and I'm so, so ashamed of it. But I want it so badly.
I'm having a little bit of an episode at the minute, where I've completely gave up on myself. 
I haven't wore make up in days, and my hairs a state. 
My head tells me that nothing I do will make me pretty, so why bother?
I want to blame the bullies, but I know its my own sensitivity that let it get this way.
I want so badly to break free from this past, but I just can't.

I keep a "depression diary" where I jot all my thoughts and feelings, that helps a lot.

To the outside world, not many know these thoughts; how everyday is a constant struggle of panic attacks and self-conscious obsessions; or how isolated I feel.

Not being open about my conditions is something I'm still quite ashamed of, I'm ashamed of being ashamed, but I am.
I've had some very bad reactions to in the last few years, and that has steered me will clear of being "open" with my "problems".

The hardest bit about the whole thing?
Is really other peoples views.

I am pretty shallowly obsessed with what other people think of me.
I try to hard to please people and if i'm not liked by someone, or I get bad vibes in a certain place. I'll just stop going. I can't stand it, it almost physically hurts for me to be around people who do not like me. This causes problems, with jobs, placements and social groups.
Its pretty pants.

So, to the outside world, who am i?
"You're sooooo melodramatic, blowing little things into big issues and clinging on to them for days." 
"Who does she think she is? Getting so upset about a tiny little thing, what an attention seeker"
"Are you really that sensitive?"
Oh, an a personal favourite;
"Eurgh, why are you so moody for no reason"

But really?
I am not an attention seeker. I do not mean to be dramatic. But in my head, at that time, my world is crashing around me. My lungs become tight and I can't find oxygen. I see no way around the problem and it is a very big deal.
Do people really think I want to be this way?
That I want this attention?
I can think of nothing worse.
Do you honestly believe that I want to cancel our plans because I just really love being upset and crying all day for no apparent reason!?
I don't wan't this constant black fog over my brain.
I just. Can't. Help. It.

I've really only briefly skimmed the surface of what it is to suffer depression and/or anxiety; I could talk for days.

But think about it; if the worst thing about my "problems" for me is public perception.
YOU can change it.
People need to become more aware of what depression and anxiety is, the symptoms and how to be supportive.
It's not rocket science, just try and be understanding. 
Google is brilliant guys!

This website HERE is pretty good for some visual insights, each one hit home for me.

Don't be so quick to judge the girl who isn't wearing make-up today.
Don't run down you're friend who's a little dramatic.
By taking steps out to consider how your actions affect people; 
you might just make someone's week.


  1. Hope you perk up soon, so sad to read this, Kelly. I was finally diagnosed with agoraphobia "severe anxiety with depressive symptoms" to quote my GP, a few weeks back, after hiding it from everybody for years. I totally get where you're coming from with this post, from the whole people calling you ugly thing to having a black fog over your brain. Try to stay strong <3

    1. Thank you Jenny!
      I bet it's quite relieving to have a diagnosis?
      It's so intense isn't it, thank you so much.

  2. I just put up a post before I read this, 'the very inspiring blogger award', I nominated you. I'm glad I did because you're such an inspirational person, you may not feel like it but to others, you lift them up and put a smile on their faces.
    It's always hard to know what someone's feeling when they put on a brave face. No matter what you feel, you are beautiful and strong.
    Chin up love xo

    1. Oh gosh you are so lovely!! Jesslyn this has literally made my week, thank you gorgeous.

  3. Hey sweetheart,
    I don't really have the words to do this post justice, other than to tell you I think you're really brave and I relate a lot. I can't remember a time where I felt normal either- I remember wanting to die at the age of 8, always feeling anxious and on edge. Depression followed by anorexia...I haven't really ever spoken about the depression side of things but you aren't alone in how you feel and the experiences you've had.

    If you ever want a listening ear, I have an inbox that is always open.


    1. Hey Laura! Thank you so much for that, it really means a lot.
      I feel like I wan't to die often and it's hard for even my other half to understand, let alone the rest of the world.
      You're such an inspiration for battling your demons though lovely, I really admire you.

      Thank you so much <3

  4. This post actually made me tear up, I know that no person really can know exactly how you feel, but I myself can identify, after being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety from age 13 onwards, which resulted in me having months of school, literally unable to function, staying at home in my room for days on end. A lot of people were sceptical - what on earth does a then 13 year old have to be depressed about? But like you said - it's not something we can control. If I could be any other way, not freaking out at the thought of being around people other than my family or closest friends, not believing myself to be unworthy and ugly, then I would. But I can't.

    But anyway, the main point I wanted to say is just you are not alone in this - it's so impressive that you had the courage to put up this post, and I have no doubt that you'll receive nothing but kind words and support from your readers - which is what you deserve.

    Stay Strong! <3

    1. I'm sorry for tearing you up my lovely!
      Thank you for the comment though,
      Oh isn't that the worst comment possible; the "what does she have to be sad about", perhaps showing the biggest ignorance of depression?
      I relate to that so much!
      Thank you sweet, and yes, everyone has been so lovely <3

  5. i understand how hard it can be living with depression and anxiety, stay strong lovely x

  6. I am lucky and have never really experienced anxiety or depression so I really cannot imagine how you feel. I know you aren't alone in it though, you should feel proud of yourself for writing about it; it definitely helps people like me understand a bit more and im sure it helps you to release some of your feelings which can only be a good thing! :)

    Alice x

    1. That really means a lot to me, thank you so much!
      I do think many people want to understand more about it but it's just a hidden away subject!

  7. Stay strong girl. I love your blog - just followed! ♥
    Would love if you checked out mine sometime too so we can stay in touch!


  8. that sounds too familiar to me. you are one very strong and beautiful person and outstandingly brave for being so open about your issues. thank you for writing about it - makes me fell a little less lonely and much more understood. love, j.

    1. It literally makes my day I could make you feel just a little less lonely, we can be brave together? :)

  9. You're so brave to post this on your blog. Depression really isn't talked about enough and it must make it so hard when people don't understand it. I can relate to you with feeling self-concious as I can be my own worst enemy. I've been thinking of keeping a book of positive notes to help me change my focus away from the negative. Maybe you should try too?

    I hope that things get better for you lovely. You really don't deserve to feel like that xxx

  10. You are so brave to post this, I was diagnosed with anxiety at 14. I'm currently having a lot of trouble with it and I'm about to start Cognitive behavioural therapy in the next few weeks. I cannot tell you how much that knot in your chest releases when you read something like this, because as you'll probably understand it's bloody hard and you feel like your doing it all alone! Don't delete this post because if it's helped me to read it, it will someone else! Your extremely brave and CERTAINLY not attention seeking... It's important that people start to understand anxiety!

    If you ever want to exchange emails etc, then my email is, could be nice to exchange some advice for eachother! Thanks for a wonderful post, I wish you all the luck in the world with your anxiety and remember your not alone...

    Elisse x

  11. Well done for writing this post, it must've been hard to publish! Not that there's anything to be ashamed of, depression is an illness as much as 'physical' ones are. I'm sorry you've been through so much, I hope posting this helped you somewhat! It seems there's lots of people going through similar situations, I hope you'll be able to get some kind of support network through this x

    Josie’s Journal

  12. You are so brave for posting this and should pat yourself on the back for being so strong to do this. Well done, and I truly hope it gets better for you!
    Beth x


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