Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Growing pains

When I grow up, I want a walk in wardrobe in my house.
"When you grow up?". James said.
I didn't say this when I was only 8, I said this last week.


(Me, left, & my little sister)

Cus, I'm just a kid right?
Nineteen.
What is that?
What do these two numbers mean I have to be?
Because is that's how it is.
People constantly expect you to be a certain lovely of responsible, and a certain level of foolish because of your age.


(Me, in the middle, in a "Sleep Over Club" we created, age 13)

(During some hardcore emo days, age 15)

But after a week from hell not so long ago, I finally made a quite important discovery.
I'm scared of being an "adult".
And not just a little anxious, I'm actually terrified.
I'm just 19, why am I dealing with bills, rent, work and not having enough money for food.
And then it hit me, because I am an adult now.
I'm really irresponsible, I'm constantly in debt, I hate buying food, housework never gets done... 
because I am just so scared of this adult world I've very suddenly found myself in.
My actions now affect everyone else around me and I have decisions to make that shape my whole future.

Those two numbers placed together hold the connotations that I am now a "grown up".

I'm going to make a terrible adult, all adults do is mess things up right? 
We look at adults and think what the hell are you doing with your life? 
With your terrible job and constant moaning. Why would I want to turn into that? I'm just not ready for this.

Adults preach like they know best, but we never listen. 
We need to experience our lives for yourself.
Funny thing is, turns out they are right.

(Me when I started University)

As much as I'm having a mini life crisis over this new discovered "adulthood", 
I've decided I need to embrace my youth and try to become the best person, and best adult I can be.
Its time to start accepting I have pretty big responsibilities now. I need to focus on my future and start saving, just like a boring adult, 
Can I still make sure I still live at the same time.

I'm pretty emotional writing this post, it is pretty heavy for me.

I don't know how to do this saving thing, this responsible thing.

Here goes nothing?
Advice much appreciated!


6 comments:

  1. cute pictures

    I have a giveaway running on my blog, I'd love it if you entered!

    xo


    Inspirations Have I None

    ReplyDelete
  2. Are you in your first year of uni? I felt exactly the same last year. I'm now in my second year and I can tell you things do get better. And it actually feels good being responsible and in control of everything. Just enjoy the end of your first year and you'll have got the swing of things by septemeber!
    You've got so much to look forward to in life. Don't start worrying now!
    Zoe xo

    zooeywilksx.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The worst thing is i'm in the second!
      Things are a little better than last year but not really much.
      I've kinda had the worst year of my life so perhaps it that!

      You're so sweet though, thank you. <3

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  3. I'm actually in the same boat as you atm and I'm 21.
    Just finished my third year at uni and I don't know what I'm going to do. Not too fond of my course, not sure what profession I'd like to pursue after it, can't find a full time job for the summer and I need to grow up! I'm still only 15 in my head. I need to settle down and start doing more adult things.
    but it's scary.....right?
    How I'm dealing with it is embracing who I am and being the best person (chidish or mature) I can be. Adults are right about what they say but we have got to go out there and live our lives for ourselves and make our own silly mistakes. And don't be afraid to make mistakes.

    Don't doubt yourself. You've gotten this far, right?
    Be responsible (start saving and studying like you said) but still be you. Don't let your responsibilities overcrowd you and stop you from being who you are.
    Try not to worry, it gets easier
    xxx

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    Replies
    1. Its terrifying, your only a year older, so I know exactly what you mean.
      In my head everyone should still be sorting my life out for me!
      I hope you manage to find what you want to do, just follow you're heart... you'll be so much better off for doing something you really love...

      That's such a inspirational thing to say! Thank you so much <3

      Delete

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