Monday, 29 April 2013

Rest In Peace, Nan.

I've been staring at this page for ten minutes.
That's a long time when you're just staring...

All I can think, is
"Brush you hair like this and it will be curly Kelly"
Each time I saw my Nan she would complain my hair is to straight and that I don't have enough "Morris" (her maiden name) in her.
She would tell that if I simply brushed my hair backwards it would all go curly (it doesn't). I've been hearing this since I was ten years old, I went through a phase where it annoyed me - my stupid adolescent self who thought everything was so uncool. & yet I would give anything for her to say that now.
I'd try for hours if it meant I could spend some time with her.

I received a phone call at four this morning, but I already knew.
This is the worst part of University. Its all over phone calls.
I really wish I was back in Birmingham for the first time in a very long time.
Sometimes I just know things are going to happen, and before I even got the call I knew.
I had hoped it wasn't, i'd prayed I was just paranoid.
But I heard my Dad's poor strained voice and I broke down with him.

People say when you know something is going to happen; it makes it easier.
But it doesn't. Its worse.
When Cancer hurts somebody, it makes them suffer for so long,
I've never seen anyone look so poorly in my whole 19 years of life.
My only comfort is that my Nan is in peace now.

My Nan and Grandad would scoop me up on a sunny day and take me somewhere magical,
Only - it wasn't magical, it was just a park, sometimes even just a field.
Yet every second spent with them was if I was in Disney Land,
Grandparents have that magic don't they.
They're the best part of my childhood, the beautiful days out, the fix up picnics.
We'd spend hours cooking. She baked the most amazing cakes in the world.

One time, my Nan didn't believe that I could tell the difference between real butter and margarine  (it was still around back then). We spent half an hour sampling bits with my blindfolded. Then she sneakily put marge on both and I could still tell!
To this day she swore I cheated.

Her name was Hazel, She used to say how it's a good job my Grandad's surname wasn't Hall!
You have no idea how many times she made this joke, i laughed every single time.

Words can't explain how I feel.
My heart hurts so much.
It feels like i'm being stabbed over and over.

I know it'll get easier. But it doesn't help for now.

I've never really suffered grief before,
With my anxiety as well I feel destroyed.
I never knew an emotional pain could hurt this bad.

It's her birthday tomorrow.
In half an hour.
I spent four hours in town Thursday picking out a present and card,
I needed it to be so special and she'll never even see it.
I just wish she saw it so bad.
Each time I think of this I break out into fresh tears.
I brought her a handmade keyring in the shape of a heart which was meant to help heal, you know the types? I thought it was thoughtful.
The card said "If Nan's were flowers, I'd pick you", And I would every time.
I spent an hour looking for a card alone. I put in so much effort.
I told her how much I missed her and how I would make a trip home to see her soon.
Just one more day and she would have opened it.

My Grandad opened it and has lay everything out because it's still her birthday tomorrow.
He told me that she would have loved it, I know how much it must hurt him.
I am SO worried about him its unreal, you have no idea how much he loves her.
You can see below how well built he is, his halved in size and ages 20 years since this begun.
Its like a film you can't stop sobbing at.
But this is real.

This is the most recent picture I have of her,
The iller she became she wouldn't let us take any pictures of her.

Blogging is my therapy, I'm sorry if this post upsets you, but I need to get it out.

Its taken me all day to write this and I still feel as though its not good enough to show how much of a beautiful person she was.
Nothing ever would be.
I've rewrite it a thousand times, but I'm running out of time to dedicate this space of the internet to her memory.
She was so proud of me, she said i'm living such an exciting life and she would have loved to live my life.
I hope I continue to make her proud.

My Nan loved to dance and sing, almost as much as she loved beer.
I hope she spends her birthday dancing and singing with all her family she hasn't seen in a while up there in heaven.

My Mum called me telling me how worried she was about how i'd take it,
Because I'm such a sensitive person.
Its crazy that in all this she's thinking of me, which is nice right.
But I really didn't think it would hit me this hard.

I miss her so much.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, loosing someone so special as a grandmother is so hard. Such a beautiful post, I bet she is so proud of you for being so brave to write something about her. Xx

    1. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comment.

  2. So sorry for your loss. :( Your grandma sounded like a very strong and beautiful woman. My grandpa passed 2 years ago and I still forget he is gone sometimes, especially when I go over to my grandma's. I was so used seeing him walk down the stairs with a smirk when I arrived. May you find comfort in the memories and the gift of time that was shared.

    1. I can imagine its hard to see her alone without him.
      Thank you so much for the comment <3

  3. this post is absolutely beautiful <3 if there is anything I can do or include in my grief post.. please tell me. Or if you just need a friendly tweet

    sending my love
    x Lisette Loves x

    1. Thanks so much lovely, its been really tough,
      I'll tweet you after my shift at work.
      Have a lovely day <3

  4. I'm sorry for your loss, I know how you are feeling in a way as I lost my grandpa two weeks ago. It was really hard and his decline was gradual so whilst it wasn't unexpected it still really hurt to know he was suffering. At least now I know he is at peace. It gets better, I've found thinking of all the happy memories and great times you had helps a lot, she woulnd't want you to be upset at the end of the day! I still really miss him and find it hard that I can't ever speak to him again but every day it gets that tiny bit easier. If you need anyone to talk to you are more than welcome to give me a little e-mail xx

    1. You're so kind, thank you so much.

      I'm sorry for your loss to.

      I do hope it'll get easier and easier, I hope your pain stops to. <3

  5. i'm so sorry for your loss. i lost my grandma two years ago and seeing my grandpa alone was one of the toughest things ever.
    this is such a beautiful post, i'm sure she would be so proud of your amazing bravery at sharing this with everyone.
    sending all my love to you and your family

    katy xxx

    1. It really is the hardest bit.

      You so lovely, thank you so so much.

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss Kelly. Such a beautiful and moving tribute to your grandma, she would be so proud. She'll always be with you in your thoughts and memories. Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.


    1. Thank you so much, that really means al lot.
      I love to think she's proud of me.

  7. So sorry for your loss. I lost my Nana at the end of last year to cancer. And even though for the last few years I'd been literally watching her die it was still hard when she finally went. Broke my heart. I hope you're okay and if you need to talk I'm here. This is a lovely tribute and I know she would be so proud of you. Keep your chin up xx

    1. Thank you so much.
      It was so hard, and I feel the same, its so painful isn't it.
      I hope that you find some comfort and can stop the pain.
      Thank you so much.


  8. This is such an amazing post. You have so much courage to post this online, i'm sorry for your loss. Condolences to your family.

    1. Thank you so much, I'm overwhelmed by the support people have shown.

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  10. This is such a touching post, really lovely. I'm so sorry for your loss, best wishes your way.

  11. You have written this post so beautifully Kelly, I was completely drawn in when reading it. You Nan sounds like she was an amazing woman with an equally amazing granddaughter I hope you and your family are finding comfort in one another. I am sure your Nan will be very proud of you <3



    1. That's such a beautiful thing to say,
      I really appreciate it,
      Thank you so much. <3

  12. This was such a beautiful post, I'm sure this has helped a lot of people going through the same thing and I hope this post helped you as well. Your Nan must be so proud of you for writing this!
    Chris from France is a bit rude though.

    Grace x

    1. Thank you so much Grace, that's so lovely of you.
      I really hope it has helped other people realise they're not alone in it all.
      & I thought so to, I don't think he read the post before commenting!


  13. RIP..
    May the departed soul rest in eternal peace.

    PrettyGloss - beauty, makeup & a lil life

  14. I think you've written this post very well and shown how much you love her. Sorry for your loss, she was a gorgeous lady just like you :) x

    1. That's sch a lovely thing to say, thank you so much! <3


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